Searing, aching, dull, sharp, intense, acute, chronic, sore, white-hot. Here, there, everywhere.
You know all of the words; you have claimed them all for yourself at one time or another. Over the years you learned how to manage it. The best way out is through. And so you put one foot in front of the other day after day and did what you needed to do.
The treatment was often worse than the problem and so you shunned traditional medical treatment, unwilling to walk through your days in a medicated fog, willing to endure rather than dull your mind. It took the medical world almost ten years to diagnose you with what you already knew you had. The diagnosis gave a name to it but couldn’t fix it.
Then came periods of relief; sometimes years went by and you stopped identifying the condition as your own. Then, out of the blue, a surprise of another kind, just as relentless and wearing showed up. You accepted treatment eventually and it was okay.
Now you are angry at this new manifestation. At first you were unsure as to the source, the pain receptors in your body did not always point to the source of the problem. In the wee hours of the morning when the house was quiet you lay awake and considered the source. It could be this, does it seem like this? What about that? Then it came to you.
Now you know what it is and your first reaction is anger. Your husband is frustrated at your unwillingness to immediately seek out medical attention, he wants to be able to help. You are frustrated because you don’t want to open another Pandora’s box. You have learned to trust your instinct and you know what this is.