I’ve been thinking a lot about Tarzan. The image of him swinging from tree top to tree top, the sensation of motion, the coordination and careful execution it of letting go of the vine behind just in time to grasp the one in front, the exhilaration of making a successful transfer, of being propelled forward, already reaching for the next vine ahead.
Maybe I watched too many cartoons as a child, or maybe this recent Tarzan-fixation is because I know that order to go somewhere new, to do something different, there must be a releasing of other things. This has, after all, already been a year of letting go of things.
When my daughter and her family moved to northern BC I had to let go of my Norman Rockwellian dream of living within minutes of all of my grandchildren and of being part of their everyday life. When Gerry and I made the decision to return to Kamloops when we retire I had to let go of my lifelong dream of returning to live on the prairie. And now, I’m still grieving the loss of my precious Yorkie, Chelsea.
Events of this past year have reminded of the folly of believing that I’m running the show, directing the plan, in control of the outcome. Sometimes, in my desire for things to work out in a certain way, I forget that there is One who is much wiser and more powerful than I who holds the plan for the rest of my life in the palm of His hand. What sweet release it is when I allow myself to exhale, accept, and put my trust in Him. Still, I’m a project planner, a list maker, and the idea of going forward into the unknown scares the bejeepers out of me.
I remind myself: our house will sell in His timing; we will find a new home in Kamloops that is of His choosing. I have stopped stalking the Realtor.ca site multiple times a day. I’ve stopped worrying that the house we like in Kamloops will sell before we get there. I’ve let go of concerns about the local real estate market. Well, I’m working on letting go of concerns about the local real estate market.
Instead, I’m trying to focus more on appreciating simple things like the coziness of the soft, warm, quilt I wrap myself in for my morning meditation, watching hummingbirds feed while Gerry and I sit in the hot tub on a Saturday morning, cuddling up together to watch a Doc Martin movie on a blustery Sunday afternoon, or watching a new season of Battle of the Blades on TV.
Still, I can’t help the anticipation I feel at what’s ahead. I can’t help but be impatient for these things that I’m looking forward to.
Bright, white, snowy, sunny days in Kamloops
Establishing a regular writing routine in the morning when I’m freshest
Friday afternoon coffee dates with my bestie
Sunday dinners with my son and his girlfriend
Spontaneously heading to my favourite bookstore, grabbing a latte, and losing myself in the bookshelves for an hour or so
Having time to cook, so it’s not just a chore to be done at the end of a work day when it’s the last thing I have the energy for
Having the freedom to head off anytime we want to visit the kids and grands
Unpacking my sewing machine, fabric stash, and quilting magazines, finishing up some projects and starting new ones
Simplicity; time just to “be” instead of having to “do”.
Some days I feel like I’m dangling in the middle, still grasping the vine behind but unable to quite reach the vine ahead. Trust, I whisper. Appreciate what’s here and now, I remind myself.
Then that image of an ape man swinging through the jungle comes to mind and I smile as I picture my face on Tarzan’s body swinging through the jungle.
Whimsy. Fun. Yes, I’m looking forward to more of that too.