Today I am pleased to welcome Kathleen Pooler, author of her recently published memoir Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse discussing the role that her faith played in helping her find freedom from abuse.
Abuse can take many forms–not all of which result in wounds that are visible on the outside. As one who has endured more than one kind of abuse in the past, I can tell you with certainty that emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
Many times, the victims of abuse find themselves in a place of confusion and denial and are reluctant to put the label of “abuse” on behaviour directed toward them. They may feel guilty, responsible, or ashamed about what is going on behind closed doors. Acknowledging it, calling it what it is, is often the first step in helping them to begin the long and difficult climb out of the cycle of abuse toward a healthier life.
Please join me in welcoming Kathy today. I encourage you to read her very important book. More importantly, if you identify with anything in this post or in Kathy’s book, I implore you to reach out and get help for your situation.
Real courage owns up to the fact that we face a terrifying task, admitting that we are appropriately frightened, identifying sources of help and strength outside and within ourselves, and then going ahead and doing what needs to be done.”
– Dr. Alla Renne Bozarth taken from Wanda Maxey’s website
Finding freedom from domestic abuse is a theme in my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse. I believe that increasing awareness of domestic abuse prevention may help others who may feel trapped in abusive relationships.
Facing the Truth:
It took many years of writing before I decided to share my story of abuse. I think abuse comes in many forms and while I did not incur bruises or broken bones, I subjected myself to years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of two different husbands. The key for me was not establishing healthy boundaries for myself and relying on the other person to change. I hadn’t found my voice. When I felt physically threatened by my second husband, I escaped in the middle of the day with my two children. It wasn’t until after I left my second husband that I fully realized I had subjected myself and my children to not just one but two abusive relationships. That was in 1989. When I started writing a memoir in 2000, it was to be about dealing with my alcoholic son. As I wrote, I realized that I couldn’t tell his story until I told my own.
One of the themes that emerged is the consequences of not embracing your inner voice that tells you something is not quite right.
The welfare of my two children was an overriding concern that guided me out of two abusive relationships. Though it seemed to take much longer than, in retrospect, I wished it had taken, I was able to extract myself from both marriages before any more damage was done.
The Role My Faith in God Played in Helping Me Find Freedom From Abuse:
I always had a faith in God and yet, it wasn’t until I was a single parent with two school-aged children after my first divorce that I found God in a personal way. However, I must have lost sight of that connection, for a few years after, when I met my second husband, I seemed to be driven by a need to be an intact family again rather than guided by faith. It turned out to be at a steep cost.
When I embraced that God, my Higher Power, was with me in my daily struggles, not hidden somewhere on an altar in Church, I began to grow in my faith. As I did, I began to find, claim and honor the strength within.
When I Acknowledged I Was One of God’s Children, I Found the Inner Strength I Needed to Set Myself Free:
Awareness and acknowledgement that I was indeed in an abusive situations (denial can play a big role) and needed to get out was my first step. Next, armed with this awareness, I developed a support system and an escape plan ahead of time. My bags were packed. This could only happen when I admitted I’d made a mistake and needed to act on my fears .
I Learned to Love Myself Enough to Want Something Better for Myself and My Children.
Again, to listen to, honor and embrace my inner voice.
What’s the Lesson Here?
Don’t put up with unacceptable, hurtful behavior, whether it be mental, emotional or physical. The first time another person violates your boundaries, take action to protect yourself. No excuses and don’t listen to their excuses. Do not accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. Ever.
Find a source of strength to endure the struggles and fight for a better life. We each need to find our own source of strength. For me, my faith in God was my strength. When things seemed hopeless, I had hope through my faith.
What are the safety measures all of us would be wise to follow?
As I mentioned earlier, establishing a support system of family, friends, community agencies with phone numbers, safe places to go. Most important, do not isolate yourself. Seek counseling if you find yourself in an abusive relationship to understand your own role in attracting and allowing abusive people in your life.
Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. That’s the best thing you can do for your children.
How I look at life and God differently now than before I experienced an abusive relationship?
With counseling, faith, supportive friends and family, I have been able to see my role in allowing abusive relationships and to forgive myself for subjecting myself and my children to unacceptable behavior. I am very grateful that I was able to extract myself from two abusive marriages and learn from my mistakes. In finding my voice, I found a life of joy, peace and gratitude. I finally feel deserving of all the gifts God wanted for me all along. It is very empowering for I know I am in charge of my choices.
My faith was an anchor that brought me back to myself.
God wasn’t lounging at the pool, watching a mountain sunrise, or dreaming by a babbling brook when he said those words he spoke. He was on a battlefield:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
How about you? Have you ever found yourself in an abusive situation? Do you have any lessons to share or words of advice for others? Has your faith helped or hindered your journey?
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments or questions below~
Kathleen Pooler is an author and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner whose memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, published on July 28, 2014 and work-in-progress sequel, Hope Matters: A Memoir are about how the power of hope through her faith in God helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments: domestic abuse, divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment. She believes that hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when we share our stories.
She lives with her husband Wayne in eastern New York.
She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com
LinkedIn: Kathleen Pooler: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a
Google+:Kathleen Pooler: https://plus.google.com/109860737182349547026/posts
Personal page, Kathy Pooler : https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.pooler
Author page: Kathleen Pooler/Memoir Writer’s Journey: https://www.facebook.com/memoirwritersjourney
One of her stories “The Stone on the Shore” is published in the anthology: “The Woman I’ve Become: 37 Women Share Their Journeys From Toxic Relationships to Self-Empowerment” by Pat LaPointe, 2012.
Another story: “Choices and Chances” is published in the “My Gutsy Story Anthology” by Sonia Marsh, September, 2013.
LInda, it is an honor to be a guest on your lovely blog.Thank you for helping me spread the message of domestic abuse awareness. I appreciate your support and look forward to the conversation.
I’m delighted to have you here today, Kathy. This is such an important topic.
Your book is so well-organized, polished, a reflection of your own personality. I have to smile as I read the title of your Part IV, seemingly contradictory to your natural bent: Jagged Journey to Self, which echoes the quote from Nietzsche “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” Well, Kathy, you’re dancing now!
To answer your question, without a doubt, my faith along with a loving husband have helped me recover from abuses in childhood. Thank God!
Marian, you are so kind! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I’m happy your faith and your loving husband have helped you to heal from childhood abuses.
Thank you for sharing your story and for reaching out to others. I have been the victim of emotional abuse and coercion, and when I finally realized it, it was a huge light bulb! Never again.
It’s nice to meet you, Karen. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. When we share our stories, we know we aren’t alone. So glad the light bulb went on for you!
Lovely to see my words on your blog Linda and Kathleen. A note, though~ my middle name is Renée, and the attribution is “Life is Goodbye/Life is Hello: Grieving Well through All Kinds of Loss. Online resources: http://griefandgrievingwellresources.blogspot.com/
Thanks and deep blessings! I wish you both and your readers joy in your ongoing journeys of transformation.