Perhaps you remember my Manderley dreams from earlier this year.
We first went to Manderley in the spring. It was mid-March when I stood on the snow-covered land and breathed in the peace of the place that fed a hunger within me that I didn’t know I had.
I even shared some video of the land with you.
It’s been five months since that last trip to Manderley; since we came to the decision not to purchase the land, but I have not been able to put Manderley out of my mind.
I saved the link to the real estate listing in my favorites, I even memorized the MLS listing number, and every once in a while when I feel the need for a break I call it up. I remember the peace; I remember who I was when I was there.
Sometimes, unexpectedly, Gerry or I will say “imagine if we were at Manderley right now” or “remember what we were going to do at Manderley”. We haven’t forgotten our Manderley dream.
A few days ago I felt the need for a bit of Manderley and I clicked on the link I had saved. Like so many times in the past I expected to see the picture of the farm yard come up in my browser; instead I found myself looking at the real estate page but the listing for Manderley had been removed. My heart must have stopped for a moment as I considered what this meant.
Had someone else purchased it? Had the owner taken it off of the market? I did some Google searches; perhaps it had been relisted with another real estate company. All of my searching turned up nothing; I found myself feeling empty.
I’m not sure what to make of this longing, even grief, that I have felt since then. Manderley was, and is, more than just a piece of land to me. It represents hope, my future, my past, a simpler way of life, and it conjured up the woman I might have been, might still become one day.