Paradox

Living in Moose Jaw makes me happy and I feel at peace here.

My heart is broken and I’m grieving the loss of my boy, Murphy.

These first days of 2023 are paradoxical.

I’m reminded of what Frederich Buechner wrote about the paradox of this life in Wishful Thinking.

“The grace of God means something like: “Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are, because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It’s for you I created the universe. I love you.””

There will be joy and there will be sorrow. At times, one will overshadow the other; other times they will intertwine to create a bittersweetness that wouldn’t otherwise be. 

We wonder how we will survive the sharp pain of early grief but, somehow, we do, and it eases to the point of allowing gratitude for the joy that preceded it. We remember and allow our grief to honour those memories and the gift of the one who is no longer with us.

These days, I imagine Murphy sniffing around the bathroom door when I’m in there asking “what are you doing in there without me?” I expect to see my tiny boy waiting for me when I open the door. My lap is empty when I’m reading or watching TV. Maya, uncharacteristically, has taken to filling the void now and then. She even allows extra snuggles—something her introverted solitude-seeking self has never much warmed up to.

Now, with the “too much” of the festive season behind us, I anticipate getting out and making Moose Jaw ours by making connections, taking part in events, and establishing new routines. It’s exciting to turn the page on this new year and new chapter.

This morning, when I was listening and praying along with my Pray As You Go app, I considered the fact that I wouldn’t want to be rescued from my grief but rather, am thankful for the Mystery that walks alongside me through it—even as the Divine is with me in the grounded peace I have being back in Moose Jaw.

Beautiful and terrible things have and will continue to happen. Joy and grief will intertwine. Life is a paradox. But God.